I want to be ME again

The bible tells you to forgive those who have wronged you, however it doesn’t tell you to forget.  As many know it’s hard to forgive but as far as forgetting some never will.  I am trying to better my life, but it is hard when you have so much bitterness bottled up inside.  I have spoken with friends and I have prayed for a release of this emotion and as many have told me this is not something that will go away over night. 

I think that I have been so unhappy for so long that I am finding it hard to be the opposite, but not from lack of trying.  So many people that I know have the time and freedom to do as they please, I unfortunally do not.  I do not resent my son in any way, but sometimes I find myself thinking about what life would be like if he wasn’t here.  Would I still have my job?  My marriage? I guess that’s a loaded question because I will never know the answer.  I guess in a way my anger is geared towards my ex.  I’m sure that’s a normal reaction for many.  So many questions that I have will never be answered and I’m not sure that there is a right answer.

I don’t like feeling this way; my mind is consumed with hatred and bitterness that I pray will go away soon.  This is not me, this is not who I want to be.  I just want to be happy again.

Not for the weak at body and mind

I have never been on the smaller side, well if you count me at age 5 in that equation then I guess I have.  Would I like to lose weight, sure but mostly I would like to get into shape.  The other Sunday I dropped my son off at the church daycare and as I walked up about 30 steps I realized that I was winded.  I was praying that no one would talk to me so I wouldn’t have to answer as if I just ran a marathon.    At that point I realized something had to change.  If I stayed the way I was I would never be able to do the things I would like with my son.  I want to be able to play a game of basketball or football with him when he’s old enough. 

So with that being said I started a boot camp, tonight was my first night and literally my body still feels weighed down.  I tried my all to keep up and finish and I did, but not without feeling nauseated and crying.   It was like that show the biggest loser when the people start to cry, I used to say “why are they crying,” but I now know.  Not only is boot camp physically taxing but also emotionally taxing.  Emotionally knowing that I let myself get so out of shape; without doing anything about it.  It was sad, I was upset with myself.  By the end my legs were spaghetti noodles and my arms were useless to me.  My girlfriend asked if I wanted a ride to my car and I said “no.”  I had to walk the hurt off.

Needless to say, I’m ready to see how much I can push myself.  I am finishing this even if it kills me and I very well may.