I want to be ME again

The bible tells you to forgive those who have wronged you, however it doesn’t tell you to forget.  As many know it’s hard to forgive but as far as forgetting some never will.  I am trying to better my life, but it is hard when you have so much bitterness bottled up inside.  I have spoken with friends and I have prayed for a release of this emotion and as many have told me this is not something that will go away over night. 

I think that I have been so unhappy for so long that I am finding it hard to be the opposite, but not from lack of trying.  So many people that I know have the time and freedom to do as they please, I unfortunally do not.  I do not resent my son in any way, but sometimes I find myself thinking about what life would be like if he wasn’t here.  Would I still have my job?  My marriage? I guess that’s a loaded question because I will never know the answer.  I guess in a way my anger is geared towards my ex.  I’m sure that’s a normal reaction for many.  So many questions that I have will never be answered and I’m not sure that there is a right answer.

I don’t like feeling this way; my mind is consumed with hatred and bitterness that I pray will go away soon.  This is not me, this is not who I want to be.  I just want to be happy again.

Not for the weak at body and mind

I have never been on the smaller side, well if you count me at age 5 in that equation then I guess I have.  Would I like to lose weight, sure but mostly I would like to get into shape.  The other Sunday I dropped my son off at the church daycare and as I walked up about 30 steps I realized that I was winded.  I was praying that no one would talk to me so I wouldn’t have to answer as if I just ran a marathon.    At that point I realized something had to change.  If I stayed the way I was I would never be able to do the things I would like with my son.  I want to be able to play a game of basketball or football with him when he’s old enough. 

So with that being said I started a boot camp, tonight was my first night and literally my body still feels weighed down.  I tried my all to keep up and finish and I did, but not without feeling nauseated and crying.   It was like that show the biggest loser when the people start to cry, I used to say “why are they crying,” but I now know.  Not only is boot camp physically taxing but also emotionally taxing.  Emotionally knowing that I let myself get so out of shape; without doing anything about it.  It was sad, I was upset with myself.  By the end my legs were spaghetti noodles and my arms were useless to me.  My girlfriend asked if I wanted a ride to my car and I said “no.”  I had to walk the hurt off.

Needless to say, I’m ready to see how much I can push myself.  I am finishing this even if it kills me and I very well may.

It's never too late

Why is it that when death falls close to home you find yourself reevaluating your life, or should I say the meaning of your life. For me I keep thinking about how short life is. We are not guaranteed anything. You have to decide on what you want and do it. For some that may be going back to school, becoming closer to loved ones, or becoming the person you know you can be.

This past Sunday I attended North Rock Hill and the message just seemed to hit home. Without going into an hour long sermon, the point is “It’s never to late.” Well it is too late when your gone so use your time on earth wisely. Decide what you want and do it. Don’t get discoursed if you make a mistake that only makes you stronger. Think about it this way if chefs quick cooking after one bad meal then there would be no combination foods. I know that’s a lame analogy but you can develop your own.

So many people have different reasons in life on why their eyes have opened, for me it was the death of a loved one. Keep your eyes open don’t close them for anything. Make the decision today and follow your heart and dreams. Now when you make a change there will be people who will put you down and tell you, you can’t do it. Instead of believing them prove them wrong; I’ve always found that to be the fun part of change. Like I stated earlier It’s never too late.

Everything happens for a reason

My grandmother is sick and were not sure whats going to happen.  This thought brings back so mny memorys of our life together.

Being the oldest grandchild has advantages, you simply have more time and memories with your grandmother.  I remember always living close by, we were always a close family literally living in the same neighborhood over half of my life.  When I was about 4 we lived across the street from each other and I remember my mother cutting on the front porch light as well as my grandmother and both standing outside I would run across the street to spend the night with Grandma.  We would watch Nick at Night together, and me being so young I had no idea how truly old Donna Reed and Patty Duke were.  They were always new episodes to me and I guess it took me a while to figure that out.  I would always wonder why people would look at me funny when I told them those were my favorite shows. 

Different location but still in the same neighborhood I remember being about 6 or 7 and asking “Grandma pop your teeth out.”  Of course she would and it would send us screaming, you see for those who don’t know she had dentures at a rather young age.  Another neighborhood and still were neighbors I was about 10 and it was snowing outside.  I woke up in the living room alone and scared.  Instead of walking to my mother’s room I proceeded to walk to my grandmother’s house.  No shoes and no coat banging on the door at 2am needless to say she was “franzled” and then called my mom.

During the next couple of years we moved out of state not really seeing family as much as were used to, but always visiting and you guessed it grandma even moved down in the same neighborhood for about a year.  When we moved back to South Carolina I started driving and grandma took part of her tax return and helped buy my first car.  Verbatim grandma said “that’s one good looking car you got.”   Mr. Forbes helped us network for a good price on a car.  I couldn’t count how many times we went to eat with Mr. Forbes, but I do remember grandma always offering to drive because he always went to fast for her likings. 

One time I called my grandmother because I was written up at work for a mistake.  I did not call the fire department when someone’s house was actually on fire.  I was so worried I would lose my job.  I remember Grandma told me that she made a mistake at Travelers once as well.  You see she spilled a coke on a type writer.  She said don’t worry I didn’t lose my job then.  I couldn’t help but point out the difference between someone’s home and a work type writer.

I regret that in my teen years we didn’t see too much of each other, mainly my doing.  I was young and wanted to “hang with my friends.”  That old saying “If I knew then what I know now” always seem to jump in my head.  I am however grateful for these past couple of months that we’ve shared.  When I first lost my job and being pregnant I was devastated.  I thought “what did I do to deserve this.”  Then when my unemployment ran out I said again “what did I do to deserve this.”  You see I didn’t do anything, that’s just it god has a purpose for everything that happens and I truly believe that now.  Those events happened so I could take care of and spend more time with my grandmother.

Judgment is Coming

I am a judgmental person, no I used to be a judgmental person.  When I would hear of someone who lived with their parents and did not have a job the first thing that came to mind was LOSER.  I can't think like that anymore I refuse to call myself a loser.  The past 20 months has changed me and I feel for the better.  How could I ever call someone a loser when I had no idea what made them or forced them to take a step back in life.

I live with my parents, because I left my husband.  The best decision I could ever make for my child and I.  I do not work or bring income in to the household, because I stopped working my twentieth of pregnancy.  I chose to stay at home throughout my pregnancy and the first year of my sons life.  Since I have hit the pavement, some may say, I have had only a few bites.  Although this makes me a little depressed, since I am a very career oriented person, I would not change this for the world.  Once my son started daycare 4 months ago my grandmother has been very ill and simply put needed 24 hour monitoring.  Once again I am the one in the family that doesn't work so I have taken on that task while the others cannot.  With all these events taken place I can't help but think of that old saying "things happen for a reason." 

For example, once my son was born I realized that my husband was not what I wanted in the long term partnership of marriage. Living at home with my parents is providing my son with a better life than he would have with my husband and I.  A better life than what we could provide him.  Maybe I haven't located a job because my grandmother needs my help at the moment.  Now it's all making since.

I am not a loser and will never be.  My personality will not allow that.  So before I or anyone else makes a judgment call on someone, think think of what they may have gone through to put them in that place.

"Then world is not fair" Learn it and Live it

I was shopping at Bilo earlier today and while checking out I was listening to the conversation between the cashier and the girl bagging my groceries.  They were discussing their schedule and how a certain manager was basically targeting them where as favoring others.

First issue, you work front line customer service never ever talk bad about your job.  You never know who the customer is and what influence they may have.  Larger companies are always using secret customers for feedback.  Second issue, be glad you have a job.  I am not receiving any help from my Ex regarding our son, as well as unemployment.  I wish I could be in their shoes and have only my schedule to complain about.  I don't even know where my son's next pack of diapers will come from.

Last issue I have and something these two women need to learn is that "the world is not fair."  No matter where you work there will always be favorites.  No matter where you live or attend school there will always be favorites.  Are you seeing a pattern here.  I used to be like these women, but I've learned that valuable un-changing lesson about favoritism.  You can't change it so why stress out and waste your breath on it.

Ex's and the Jealousy of Freedom

I realized today that my Ex and I should have never dated let alone married.  We're friends and get along better now then when we were together.  We even talked about women the other day.  He informed me that he was seeing someone, and that's ok until you tell me that you can't see your son that day because you are hanging out with her.  Come to find out that she is married, and I'm sorry I can't respect someone that joins someone in a relationship when they are already commited to one.  Of course to him I'm jealous that he has someone and I don't.  That's not it, I am jealous but not of your relationship with someone like that, but of the freedom you have.  In response to this he stated "You left me, you chose to leave."  That is correct I chose to leave, but I didn't choose the kind of father you turned out to be.  It saddens me to know that any parent whould choose someone or something else over their child.

I know this because recently I've been talking to my father a lot more about growing up and him not being around.  Yes he was in our lives but not as much as he would have liked and now it's started to sink in to him.  He said he would like to build a relationship with his grandchildren so this time he doesn't miss out.  I just wish my Ex knows what he is missing out on, and how much it will hurt later in life when he looks back.  For me I'm worried about building a relationship with my son and not someone else, there's plenty of time later for that.